Tuesday, September 1, 2009

a peek at the maddness in the mind of a new author.

So Just saying upfront, don't get used to D, being here everyday. I have a blog with Laura and even though my email reminds me everyday to post something there, well you know...

Anyway today I thought I'd take a moment and chittychat about the experience of being a new kind on the block. You know some one asked me if writing was hard and I said "yes, no ermmm huh?"

The world of writing is small, and the world of romantic/erotic authors is smaller still. Breaking into the game isn't hard. Well, it is but its not. See ok here is the thing. Anyone can write something and self pub it. We've all read stuff that made us want our money back, right? So no its not hard to get in the game. If you wanted to that is. NOW to get in the game and be good. There is a lot of preasure there. You have to interact with fans, you have to continue to write. To produce to grow. TO LOSE YOUR MIND!!!!

When I wrote my first ms, I had no clue anyone was gonna want to read it. I had intended for it to be a short lil' tid bit to entertain my friends. I had no idea that Shara was going to highjack me and that any of the stuff that followed would. Now, some new authors do. THey have a plan. They say to themselves "SELVES TODAY WE ARE GONNA BE WRITERS". They submit thier ms all over creation. They suffer all the heart ache and break of new york rejections and well, its disheartening I am very blessed that this has not been my experience, but I am aware of it. I am beyond aware of it. I am scared of it.

Just because I am in the game(according to me anyways) doesn't mean that I am not suspect to fall OUT of the game at any moment.

I've been wondering lately if recording artists feel this way after their first couple of singles. Do they sit around and wonder how long it will be before they are sitting around watching vh1 and see them selves on Where are they now. I do. I wonder when I will get the lightening strike of my muse and pen something else. (not that I lack encourgagement, i have the greatest cheerleaders on earth), but I now fear wether or not readers will like what i write. Am I being fresh and original? Am I biting some one elses style or story. OMG THE PRESSURE....OOOOOOOSAAAAAWWW.

Part of me (most of my close friends know this) doesn't care. "Hey," I say, "I never said i wanted to be a writer/author it just happened." *shrugging* And then I look at the people who bust their hump every day to keep the industry going. And I feel obligated to ....I dunno hustle, harder, write something, anything. I feel the need to make my mark and then stamp everything. I feel the need to write the need to contribute, the need to satisfy myself and my readers...then i wake up, look at the clock and its 3am. Time for the hubs to get up and go to work, which means time for me to get up and pretend to make him breakfast(hey at three am he is lucky if i make sure there is milk in the house or eggos or a pop tart.) Time for me to roll over and hit the snooze button and pretend that I didn't just wake up from dreaming of my characters engaging in all manner of antics.

I toss and turn and try to go to sleep knowning that my day must start in a nother few scant hours. That by 8 am I have to get up and get showered and dressed and deal with life. But i dont' sleep. So I get up. and i make notes and sometimes i start new stories, or i call laura and wake her up and go "hey write this bit down and then i'll expand on it next juvemberuary".

Then I go to work and well, I must be a crazy magnet. BECAUSE YOU WONT BELIEVE ALL THE STUFF I SEE. And then I come home DETERMINED TO WRITE, but mymomdadbrothermotherinlawbossfriendcousinneighborcrazychurchladies call/email/stop by.
Then when i've slammed and locked the door, turned off the ringer settled in at my laptop, facebook/myspace/twitter/yahoo/gmail/blogs captivates me with their sirens call.

uh oh DINNER TIME. SCREW IT i dont' miss a beat i open the little icon in my navigation tray and bingo pizzahut/pappajohns/jimmyjohns/quiznos/dominoe/chinapandatown/paco'stacosttogo gets my usual order runs my oft used cc number emails me a confirmation asks if i want to monitor the process of my order or play a game on the site while I wait.

Time for bed...but its two am and i just answered the last email/ group post. And did i write anything. "well, yes i wrote but not what i should have or intended to, but who cares i don't care...stop playing you know you care" As tears well up in my eyes and the brownies start dancing on my optical nerves and sinuses, I slam down the lap top and crawl into bed. I'll write tomorrow.

Ok *sigh* what was I saying? Any one Else feel like this?

Love and Chaos

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